Finding Me

"I lost myself in motherhood" "I don't know who I am" "I used to have a bunch of hobbies but all I do now is take care of kids." 

The number of times I have seen or heard other mothers say these things is astronomical. Even I have caught myself at one point or another saying this. If you know me personally, you may find this surprising but when I was in college I didn't think I wanted kids. I didn't even want to get married. So when I met my husband, got married, and got pregnant right after the honeymoon, you can imagine my idea of life changed. For me, my first pregnancy revolved around my bathroom floor. I had hypermedia Gravardium. In short, morning sickness lasts all day long and is much more severe than regular sickness during pregnancy. I threw up all day long despite not being able to eat anything. It got to the point where I was terrified of eating because I knew, no matter what it was, it would come up right after I swallowed it. Even drinking water was questionable. The medication I needed, even with insurance was $400 (I know, American healthcare sucks.) but thankfully my obgyn was able to get me a whole bunch of the sample bottles and so I was able to make it through with those. Without that medication, I'm not sure I would've made it through that because I could finally hold down water. Jump forward to my second pregnancy. We were living in a high income area and drowning. I worked up to giving birth because my doctors took me off the medication I was on to keep my kid in my stomach. She did not want to stay and had come more than once way earlier than she should've. 

After giving birth, I had severe undiagnosed postpartum anxiety and I hated myself. I hated my situation and it felt like I only had myself. In hindsight I know I had people around me that cared but what they don't tell you is that postpartum anxiety and depression will convince you of everything negative you tell yourself and no one bothers to take care of you while you take care of your newborn. Then we moved a year or two later to another state. This area was much more affordable for us and we had some really wonderful people rooting for us and willing to help us. I finally felt like I was beginning to understand how to care for two toddlers and my daughter finally started eating food (She had some issues when she was born and it took time to work through everything). I was losing the weight from my pregnancies and I was finally coming out of my postpartum anxiety. Then I got pregnant again, a total surprise pregnancy. I didn't even know until I was almost in my second trimester. I started feeling low again because I did not plan on having another kid. I had an appointment for birth control the day after I found out I was pregnant again. 

When I found out my stomach fell to my feet and I was terrified that I would end up hating myself and my life again. Thankfully things actually got better. The pregnancy was much easier than the first two (although he did try to come early a few times) and the birth was fast. I made the decision to get my tubes tied while I was still in the hospital and then after I was cleared to go back to normal routines I began to work out/run again. I made the decision to start therapy again and take vitamins and go back to my vegetarian diet. After seeing that these changes were actually working, I made a doctor's appointment to talk about my PCOS and migraines and I luckily found a doctor that listens to me. She put me on some meds for my PCOS and migraines and I started to lose more weight and have a regular cycle for the first time in my whole life. My migraines happen way less than they used to and while my weight loss and mental health journey hasn't been linear it has been effective. 

 Doing these things and choosing myself felt so and still sometimes feels selfish but the big picture is so important. I have been able to be with my kids more and not have several weeks a month where Im laying on the couch allowing them to cause chaos because of a migraine. Being happier and taking care of my body has given me more energy and the ability to give my kids a better version of myself. The way you take care of yourself matters because it affects the people around you. My kids got to experience more, they have parents who are not as stressed out and able to regulate their emotions. Parents who are breaking generational crap. The three pictures at the top, from left to right are from before my husband and I got married, then right as I started my journey, and now. All three I think I look very different and maybe it's because I know about myself through those stages but I can see a physical difference. My smile has changed, it goes through my whole face again. 

If you're trying to figure out who you are in the midst of having children or raising children take the jump. It's not easy and can be scary but for the sake of your kids and yourself, it's such an important thing to do. For me, finding myself has been about allowing the things I thought I had to do or think because of being a mom to leave my mind. No longer am I afraid to have my own style, to tell my husband I needed space or time to myself to relax or nap. No longer am I afraid of other people thinking I'm weird or that I should dress a certain way because I'm a mom. If you are having a hard time do not be afraid of what someone may think of you reaching out for help. The only thing that can come from asking for help is to your benefit. You're not just a mom. You're a human being who deserves kindness form yourself and others. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be.

Much love,

M